Beyond the Abyss
by sharim
Summary: He did it for her, but she lost him anyway. SJ. AU.
1. Beyond the Abyss 1

Beyond the Abyss  
  
Spoilers: Abyss; Nightwalkers; Out of Mind; Into the Fire; Meridian; Tin Man; Double Jeopardy; Frozen; Tok'ra I & II;  
  
Season: 6. Set right after Nightwalkers.  
  
Summary: He did it for her, but she lost him anyway.  
  
Category: AU; Angst. S/J.  
  
Dedication: For the Serene Lisa  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine. sighs desolately  
  
AN: The result of pain medication. Completely different to how I intended. Still, I hope it works for you :) Feedback would be loved, adored and cherished. And no, I'm not above begging. ;) With thanks to Eva & Feath for the comments, encouragement & Beta.  
  
PART ONE  
  
The phonecall came when she was in the shower, letting the harsh spray of the too-hot water pound into her body and wash away the grime that had built up in that dusty little town. She'd gotten out reluctantly, steam clouds billowing wetly around her hot body, cooling rapidly as the water beads touched her and leeched away the heat. Her towel was rough and dry, wrapping around her thickly as her feet slipped on the steam moistened tiles and she skidded out of the room.  
  
The receiver was cold in her hand, almost frozen against her flesh.  
  
"Carter." Her voice snapped like a flag whipping in the wind; impatient and irritated.  
  
"Major Carter, he's back."  
  
She hadn't bothered to change into her BDU's; she'd simply barreled right past the guards at the entrance, barely registering their greetings. The grinding of the elevator was painfully slow, her eyes willing the numbers to change faster, her mind silently castrating the morons who'd imposed speed limits on elevators. She ran down the hall way, her sneakers pounding rhythmically on the concrete as she dodged various personnel; solely focused on reaching the infirmary.  
  
And when the double doors of the infirmary loomed into view, she seemed to run out of energy. Like her robotic double, her movements became slower and slower and slower until she ground to a smooth halt directly before the doors, staring blankly at them, her limbs unable to move and propel her the last few steps into the infirmary. Behind her, the sound of personnel talking seemed to magnify, bouncing off the walls and buffeting her as she stared at the unmoving doors.  
  
They opened in a flurry, several harried nurses rushing through, their heels clicking loudly on the concrete as they pushed past her and let the doors swing shut behind them.  
  
But she'd seen him. In the brief moment that the doors had snapped open, she'd caught sight of his back. He'd been wearing a black T shirt, and Janet had been in front of him, the flash of her auburn hair bouncing out from behind his shoulder briefly before she turned and was hidden by his bulk again. Teal'c and Jonas had been standing off to one side, gazing down at him intently. The picture was burnt into her mind; she wondered briefly if in the last few seconds she'd somehow developed a photographic memory, running the image over and over through her mind, focusing on the solid darkness of his back.  
  
He was here.  
  
He was alive.  
  
Her eyes were burning with unshed tears, and she tried to force her frozen limbs to reach out and touch the familiar doors, to push them open with a sudden whoosh and join the others as they crowded around their returned comrade. But something held her back, something indefinable that turned her blood to ice in her veins and splintered her lungs with each breath she took. It turned her tears to acid, and her eyes stung bitterly.  
  
She would not cry. Not here, not now.  
  
A wooden fist raised stiff fingers; the plastic cold beneath the hard and unbending digits. She pushed against the door heavily, the cold surface swinging away from her and revealing the room to her.  
  
Janet's face appeared from behind him, and she smiled briefly at Sam. At her smile, both Teal'c and Jonas glanced across at her, and the figure on the bed turned towards her as well. His movements seemed to slow down, and she stared silently, her mouth compressed tightly as her eyes traveled over the worn features of his face, as familiar to her as the stars above and ground beneath her feet.  
  
She exhaled softly, and let her eyes fluttered closed briefly, sucking her breath in and gathering her courage.  
  
"Welcome back, Sir." The smile was forced and wooden, her eyes desperately trying to read his, to find the person that had been gone for so long.  
  
"Carter," he greeted simply. His voice grated, and she frowned. Something was wrong.  
  
"How... how are you, Colonel?" She was ashamed of the break in her voice, but she stepped forwards strongly, her sneakers squeaking on the linoleum floor.  
  
His eyes rested on hers for a second, before traveling over her. Suddenly she was uncomfortably aware of the form fitting jeans and the small red T shirt she'd thrown on as she'd hunted for her car keys. She shifted, and his gaze broke away from hers as he turned to face the back of the room again. She walked around to them, watching his profile carefully as she waited for him to answer.  
  
"I'm fine, Carter. So's the flatmate."  
  
She stared at him blankly, raising her eyebrows uncomprehendingly.  
  
"His name's Kanan," O'Neill continued, turning his head towards her, "and he has a thing for brunettes." His eyes were disturbingly empty as he met her gaze.  
  
Sam swallowed roughly, her breath catching in her throat. No, he couldn't be...  
  
"Sir?"  
  
He didn't bother answering her; the flash of gold lighting up his chocolate eyes in a simple explanation.  
  
"Major Carter, I am Kanan." The distortion of his voice crashed through her ears and ripped apart the slender threads of hope she'd been weaving, hoping to hold onto the dream that everything was okay and they could go back to being who they were before.  
  
o0o  
  
Her latest project lying in pieces before her, Sam stared down blankly at the sheets and tried in vain to convince herself that she really was interested in the suddenly meaningless squiggles before her. The words swam and danced and turned into a reel of film that played over and over before her eyes. O'Neill's face turning towards her soundlessly, his lips moving as he spoke, and then his eyes flashing.  
  
Carter, meet SG-1's fifth member.  
  
She snorted tiredly, burying her face in her hands and tangling her fingers in her hair. Her hair was getting long again; she'd have to cut it soon.  
  
The tread of his boots on the concrete were as soft as a whisper, but she heard them above the gentle hum of the air conditioning flowing through the room.  
  
"What you doing?" His words were soft, almost hesitant.  
  
"We've been given some down time," she started, sitting up straight and focusing her eyes on the paper work before her, "and I've been meaning to go over these schematics for the X-"  
  
"Ah!" he held up his hand, shaking his head. "Sorry, Carter. You know the rules."  
  
The rules.  
  
No discussion of any classified projects or new information. Restricted to certain areas of the base. Only allowed to talk to certain people.  
  
"They're treating you like a prisoner," she snapped suddenly. By the sharp intake of his breath she knew she'd surprised him with her outburst, and she spun on the small chair, turning to face him angrily. "Until they've got their damn politics sorted out-"  
  
"Carter."  
  
She froze and met his gaze silently, and then closed her eyes to hide herself from him. "I'm sorry, Sir."  
  
"For what?" his voice was soft; tender almost.  
  
"For doing this to you," she whispered.  
  
"You didn't do anything to me, Carter. It was my choice."  
  
She opened her eyes, ashamed to feel tears once again prickling behind her lids. She was crying far too much these days. "You don't understand, Sir. I asked you to do it. I know how much you hate them, and I asked you to do it for me. I knew you wouldn't say no."  
  
He sighed slightly, and his gaze skittered away from her, traveling across the walls of her lab until it finally settled on the empty pot where her plant had withered and died somewhere between Daniel's leaving and his abrupt departure. Or had it been during his jaunt with the Tok'ra? "Carter..."  
  
"I'm sorry, Sir," she repeated again, cutting him off and turning back to the papers that were starting to blur behind her vision.  
  
"I wanted to say thank you," he said curtly, surprising her.  
  
She blinked once, frowning, but not turning to face him. "For what?"  
  
"For not giving up on me."  
  
His footsteps disappeared out of the room, and she was left staring at papers now blurred by the tear drops splattering loudly onto their crisp surface.  
  
o0o  
  
As she pulled the Kevlar helmet from her head and ran her hands through her still unruly locks of hair, now damp and matted with sweat and dirt from their mission, she felt her eyes involuntarily scan across the personnel in the gateroom, and then swiftly glancing up to the control room, only relaxing once she saw him standing off to one side in the shadows. He nodded briefly at her, and then disappeared from view, leaving her to greet Hammond who was waiting on a status report of the mission.  
  
"It's done, Sir," she said briskly, nodding formally as she passed her P-90 to the airman waiting for it. "The Lomans have agreed to the trade negotiations, and are waiting for the medical team to arrive."  
  
Hammond nodded tersely, his blue eyes flashing briefly with approval before turning serious again. "Well done, Major. We'll debrief tomorrow morning."  
  
She glanced at him curiously, her fingers stilling on the plastic buckles she'd discreetly been trying to undo. "Sir?"  
  
"Go and get cleaned up, Major, and come to my office."  
  
She nodded silently, marching past him as he dismissed her and heading straight for the changerooms. She knew they had reached a decision about O'Neill, a fact that both scared her and relieved her. Now they'd know where he stood. Now they'd know what was going to happen to him. But at the same time, she was terrified of losing him.  
  
Losing him.  
  
She'd already lost him; to a parasite dwelling in the recesses of his mind. It was one thing to have her Dad as a Tok'ra. It was entirely different thing for O'Neill to be a Tok'ra. Everything in his being rebelled against the invasion of privacy, the possibility of losing total control. O'Neill was a control freak, just like her. She understood the refusal to submit so completely to another's power. To subject oneself to be at the discretion of something that could possibly be as evil as the Goa'uld.  
  
His quiet, almost peaceful acceptance about the Tok'ra currently inhabiting his brain was unsettling. Sam was skittish around him, afraid of the changes he'd undergone since she'd last seen him lying his plastic coffin being pulled through the Stargate.  
  
Kanan stayed out of sight; figuratively of course. She'd only spoken to him once, when he'd introduced himself to her that Wednesday afternoon when O'Neill had been returned to them. She longed to ask O'Neill what had happened, what information Kanan had possessed that had made it so important for him to report. She wanted to know how he felt about the Tok'ra inside him. Or how he really felt about her asking him to sacrifice his freedom for her selfish desire to keep him alive.  
  
He was alive, but she had gained nothing.  
  
The worn BDU's she changed into were fresh and clean against her newly scrubbed skin, the harsh material still chafing slightly despite the degree of wear. She strode confidently into Hammond's office after knocking, relaxing slightly when she realized that other than herself and Hammond, only O'Neill, Teal'c and Jonas were present. She smiled at the other two members of her team, and they returned the gesture tightly, their attention focused on the man standing on the opposite side of the room.  
  
"I'm sure you know why you're all here," Hammond said softly, sitting down behind his desk, his face open as he gazed around at them. They were fortunate with Hammond. The man made no pretences about who he was and what he was capable of; he was as solid a leader as any and Sam felt privileged to work with him.  
  
"Tell them, Sir," O'Neill said softly, and she glanced across at him.  
  
"Colonel O'Neill will remain on Earth," Hammond said at length, "as the Tok'ra liason."  
  
"What does that mean?" Jonas asked.  
  
"It means I'm a diplomat," O'Neill announced. Sam thought she saw a bitter smirk brush across his lips, and stifled a smile at the irony. O'Neill was no diplomat.  
  
"What about SG-1?" Jonas pressed.  
  
"Only four members," O'Neill answered, "Not five. Kanan makes it one too many.  
  
She narrowed her gaze, studying him silently.  
  
"Colonel O'Neill will not be assigned to any SG team," Hammond explained softly. "The risk would be too great, he'd be too big a target."  
  
"But General Carter-" Jonas protested.  
  
"Is not Colonel O'Neill. When Jacob... when he first joined the Tok'ra, very few knew he was a Tau'ri. By the time the information leaked, he was considered more Tok'ra than human." Hammond's eyes jumped across to Sam apologetically, the words digging deeply into her with a grief that surprised her. Yes, her father was more Tok'ra than human these days, and it scared the daylights out of her. She was terrified that would happen to O'Neill. That he would forget his humanity and heritage and become more like the Tok'ra.  
  
"What about his rights?" Sam asked softly.  
  
"Colonel O'Neill is still a citizen of the United States of America, Major. Nothing will change that."  
  
"Yes," she agreed, "but Kanan isn't."  
  
o0o  
  
His car hadn't been driven for a few weeks, and the battery had been suspect as it was. "Looks like I'll need a ride," he sighed, and she watched him kick at one of the tires, a familiar scowl of annoyance briefly crossing his cheeks before it once again fell into the Tok'ra mask of blankness. She hated how his face was so devoid of emotion all the time.  
  
"I'm parked over there." She raised her arm and pointed across the lot, and he sighed in resignation.  
  
"You really need to get a bigger car, Carter. My legs won't fit into that."  
  
She grinned at him easily; it was almost as if they were back to before. Before emotions became an issue and the rumor mill started spinning. Before she had to watch each gesture in case it was taken the wrong way, construed to mean something it didn't. Before she realized that if she didn't control everything around him, it would be very easy to love him.  
  
Before she did love him.  
  
"Sorry, Sir, but there's no way I'm trading her in."  
  
He rolled his eyes and followed her across the lot, walking to the passenger door while she unlocked her door. She looked up at him briefly as she opened her door, and caught the slight smile playing across his lips as he stared down at something.  
  
"What are you smiling at?" she asked, the words bursting out before she had time to think.  
  
"I haven't been in a car for a very long time."  
  
"Even a small, old, good for nothing tub of rust?" she asked innocently, slipping down onto her seat.  
  
He folded himself into the seat next to her, pushing it back until his knees weren't tucked up under his chin and he could shut the door. "It's good to be outside," he said finally as she started the engine.  
  
They were quiet as she drove; she realized his gaze was firmly focused on the scenery as they passed it, though the slight twitching of his lips let her know that he was talking. Talking to Kanan.  
  
"What does Kanan think?" she asked eventually, changing gears as they crawled around a corner.  
  
"About what?" he asked, turning to her.  
  
"Staying here. On Earth."  
  
He was quiet for a few seconds, his eyes unfocused. Then they glowed, and suddenly she become uneasy, deliberately staring at the road and no longer sneaking glances at him. "I am content." Again, the distortion of the voice threw her, and she bit down her lip, the car lurching slightly as she missed the gear and then thrust it in, the sick crunching churning at her gut.  
  
She wanted to ask more, but she didn't want to speak to it. She didn't want to see his eyes glow. She didn't want to hear his voice change. That made it real, the physical proof that he wasn't alone anymore. That he really was blended to something he repulsed.  
  
She wondered how he put up with it.  
  
"What are you doing?" His voice was normal again, and her knuckles relaxed on the steering wheel.  
  
"You'll need food, Sir," she said evenly, pulling the car up against the curb. "We emptied your fridge out."  
  
He nodded as she escaped the small prison her car had become, stepping briskly into the sunshine warming the air around her. "I hope you didn't take all the beer," he commented.  
  
She glanced over at him. "No, Sir. I don't like your beer."  
  
He grinned. "You have no taste, Carter."  
  
"I'm going to argue and say that the fact that you drink that stuff and call it beer is enough proof that you don't have taste."  
  
Rolling his eyes, he followed her into the store.  
  
o0o  
  
They were sitting on his back porch step, her fingers wrapped around a beer bottle, the paper label sticky and wet beneath her hands as the air condensed on the cold glass. She picked absently at the label, pulling it carefully away from the glass.  
  
"The Tok'ra don't have any beer," he said at length, slowly raising his bottle to his lips and taking a deep drink.  
  
"So that's why you decided to stay here," she quipped, lifting her own to her lips and pulling the bitter beverage into her mouth. It was potent; she preferred a milder taste.  
  
"It's good to see the sky again," he sighed, leaning back against the step and resting his bottle on the weathered wood work. "You really know you're off world when you look up and the stars are different."  
  
She nodded in agreement, her elbows resting on a step and supporting her as she leaned backwards and dropped her head to the topmost step, letting her gaze also focus on the heavens above them. Most of the stars were hidden from sight, drowned out by the bright lights of suburbia, but a few twinkled dimly over head, and she stared up at them, letting the mesmerizing flickers of light become a focal point, everything else slowly melting out of existence.  
  
"Do you think Daniel's out there?" she asked softly, not looking at him.  
  
He sighed, and she heard the sound of his beer sloshing in the bottle as he raised it to his lips, the dull sound as he swallowed and then the empty thunk as he replaced the bottle on the deck. "I don't know," he said. "I think so."  
  
She nodded, closing her eyes and cutting off the stars. "I still try to call him sometimes," she confessed.  
  
"I go to his lab," O'Neill admitted. "Some of his things are still there."  
  
"I know," she nodded. "Jonas left them there when he realized whose they were."  
  
O'Neill sighed, and she turned her head on the wooden step it was resting on to gaze across at him. He was still staring at the sky, his gaze far away. "What's it like?" she asked almost curiously.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Being blended."  
  
The glance he graced her with before turning his attention back to the sky was surprised. "You've been blended."  
  
"No," she disagreed, "I was infested. There was nothing mutual in Jolinar's control over me."  
  
He sighed. "I never realized how angry the Tok'ra were with Jolinar for doing that to you. It's against the core reason of the rebellion."  
  
She didn't answer, simply remained silent.  
  
"It's... it's not what I thought it would be," he confessed at last, and she heard the soft smile on his voice. "I can still remember the way it felt when Hathor put that Goa'uld in me, the way it made me a prisoner..."  
  
"I didn't know you remembered that," she admitted.  
  
"I do," he said softly. "It made me understand what happened to you."  
  
She sighed her acknowledgement of his words. "Are you happy, Sir?"  
  
He shifted on the step; she felt the movement of his weight and opened her eyes to look at him again, staring up into his face that was now looking down at her as he pulled himself upright on the step. His gaze was almost curious as he looked down at her. She blushed under his scrutiny and pulled herself up, the moment shattered between them as surely as if she'd dropped her beer on the concrete of his garden path. "It's getting late, Sir," she mumbled, rising to her feet and starting back up the steps.  
  
"Carter, wait." His hand caught her arm, his fingers warm and rough against the chilled skin.  
  
"I should get going," she whispered tightly, her breath misting slightly in front of her face. Winter was coming; soon she'd be wearing sweaters and his fingers wouldn't be able to rest on the coolness of her skin, warming her with his touch.  
  
He nodded, dropping his hand. "Thanks for the ride, Carter."  
  
"That's okay, Sir," she pulled away, reaching for his screen door. "I'll pick you up Monday morning, if you like."  
  
"That'd be good, thanks."  
  
She smiled cautiously at him, and his own lips quirked slightly in the dim glow of his porch light. "See you Monday, Sir," she whispered.  
  
"Monday," he echoed as the screen door slammed behind her and she almost ran through his house, stepping into the welcoming darkness of his front lawn, feeling strangely disappointed.  
  
o0o  
  
He'd never been a loner before, she thought as she spied him sitting by himself in a corner. Despite not being very close to people, he'd had a lot of friends. People he'd played hockey with. The jarheads he worked out with in the gym. A few of the team leaders who he'd met up with occasionally to gripe about the difficulties of command.  
  
And it wasn't that he'd deliberately pushed anyone away, she realized dimly, it was just that no one knew how to act around him. No one knew how to talk to him. She wondered again how he really felt about the Tok'ra inside him, that she so rarely saw. She was aware that Kanan didn't come to the foreground when she was around, and knew it was probably because of her reaction to him. But despite her pseudo denial about the Tok'ra's presence, she was morbidly curious about Kanan. And about the man he now co-existed with.  
  
She dropped her tray onto the table and slipped onto the seat across from him. He glanced up, his face carefully guarded until he saw it was her and it relaxed into a slight welcome. "Carter. Nice to see you."  
  
"You too, Sir," she said politely, unwrapping her sandwiches.  
  
"I read your mission report," he commented, idly scooping a grape into his mouth as he watched her wrestle with the cling wrap.  
  
She glanced up at him, and felt a rare smile part her lips. "I was terrified," she admitted.  
  
"Hammond was happy," he said, nodding his head. "You don't have anything to worry about, Carter. You'll do fine."  
  
"It helped having Teal'c there," she grinned shyly, raising the bread to her mouth to take a bite. "Thank you, Sir."  
  
He raised his eyebrows. "Carter, every time we talk, we either apologize for something or say thank you for something."  
  
She shrugged, levity disappearing as she gazed at him over her blue Jello. "I do have a lot to say thank you to you for," she said softly. "You've taught me so much about command-"  
  
"That was my job, Carter."  
  
She smiled at him again. "You went above and beyond duty, Sir."  
  
His eyes were intense. "No, Carter, we never went beyond duty."  
  
Her gaze flitted down to her sandwich, and she bit her lip as she gazed back up at him. "What about now?" she asked.  
  
He shrugged. "I don't know, Carter. Things have changed."  
  
She sighed and picked at her sandwich. She rose to her feet, abandoning her tray, her chair, him... her life. "I'm sorry, Sir, I can't do this."  
  
o0o  
  
She was in the bath tub when the phone trilled. Closing her eyes, she willed the noise away, sinking lower into the water, trying to drown the noise out. The water was tepid as it spilled over her breasts and shoulders; she shivered and opened her eyes, sitting upright in the tub and irritably batting away several bubbles clinging to her wet skin. She grabbed a towel as she left the bathroom and jogged towards the phone, picking it up and cradling the cold plastic beneath her ear as she fumbled with her towel. "Carter."  
  
"It's me, Carter."  
  
"Colonel," she stuttered, grabbing at the phone with her hand.  
  
"This isn't a bad time, is it?"  
  
"Uh.. no, no it's not. Sir."  
  
Holding the phone with her chin again, she pulled the towel around her body and sank onto her couch, her skin deliciously damp against the softness, shivering as the cool air touched her arms and calves.  
  
"I... I need to talk to you, Carter."  
  
"Sir?"  
  
"There's... There's stuff we need to talk about."  
  
She swallowed hesitantly, her fingers tangling tightly into the towel. "Okay," she agreed hesitantly.  
  
"Not on the phone. We can't... I can't..."  
  
"Sir?"  
  
"Where can we go?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"We need to go somewhere so that Kanan can talk to you."  
  
Kanan can talk to you.  
  
The words pounded dully through her system.  
  
"I don't want to talk to him," she said softly, closing her eyes.  
  
"Carter.. Sam... you have to."  
  
"No," she said firmly. "No. I don't... I can't do this, Sir. I'm sorry."  
  
"Carter-"  
  
She hung the phone up; it clicked dully into place on its cradle. She sat staring at it for a long time. 


	2. Beyond the Abyss 2

**PART TWO**  
  
_This is stupid.  
  
You're being obtuse, Jack.  
  
Why do you always call me obtuse?  
  
How about dense? Idiotic? Deliberately ignorant?  
  
Stupid_, Jack suggested idly.  
  
_Arguing with me about word choice is not going to change anything._  
  
Jack swallowed, staring up at Carter's house, failing to see any movement silhouetted against the soft glow of the lights on the curtains. _What if I don't want things to change?  
_  
_Well, they can't carry on the way they are, can they?_  
  
No, he supposed Kanan was right. He sighed in resignation, reaching for his car keys and pulling them out of the ignition smoothly, dropping them into his pocket after he stepped out and locked the door. The night air was frigid; he was glad he was wearing his leather jacket.  
  
_You like wearing this jacket because you know she likes it_, Kanan pointed out mildly.  
  
Jack flushed slightly, and smoothed the jacket in question down self consciously over his abdomen.  
  
_You're acting like a teenager on his first date_, Kanan sighed.  
  
_Except I'm don't even know if I'm welcome here._  
  
_I think you'll always be welcome here, Jack. It's me that's not welcome._  
  
They dropped into silence as he made his way slowly up the pathway, hesitating on her doorstep.  
  
_You know, I still think this is stupid_, Jack tried one last time.  
  
_And being the wiser of the two of this, I still think this is the best course of action. Knock, or I'll do it for you._  
  
The sound of his knuckles on the door seemed to echo loudly in the still night air, and his body tensed as he listened for any sound of movement from inside. He knocked again, straining to hear something.  
  
"Carter?" he yelled, banging on her door again. He heard movement from inside, but there was no sign of her approaching the door to let him in. "If you don't let me in, Carter, I'll let myself in!" he threatened. Since when had he resorted to threatening Sam Carter?  
  
The threat worked though; he heard her thumping across her wooden hallway, her figure silhouetted through the lace curtain before he heard the rough clicking of her lock being opened. She didn't open the door though; she simply stalked back into her house. He reached for the knob tentatively and turned it, letting himself in. "Carter?"  
  
"What do you want, Sir?" She sounded resigned, he thought.  
  
"I need to talk to you," he told her earnestly, stepping into the lounge. He bit back a gasp of surprise when he saw her. Her hair was damp and curling behind her ears, more of her skin visible than he'd been allowed to see for a very long time. "Do you... do you want to get changed?" he suggested, swallowing roughly.  
  
She stared up at him, raising her eyebrows. "I don't think you'll be here long enough to warrant me getting changed, Sir. I'm going to go finish my bath when you're done."  
  
He nodded silently, jamming his hands awkwardly into his pockets. "Carter, we have to talk."  
  
"So you've said," she agreed dully. "About what?"  
  
"Kanan."  
  
She jerked visibly, turning around so that he could see the smooth lines of her upper back and shoulders, following the curve of her spine until the towel she wore around her concealed the rest.  
  
_Control, Jack, it's all about control_, Kanan's voice was dry.  
  
_You aren't much better around Shallan, if I may remind you_, Jack snapped tersely.  
  
"Colonel, I've said I'm sorry-"  
  
"Carter, I don't blame you!" he snapped. "I told you, I'm okay with Kanan."  
  
She turned around slowly, watching him. "What if I'm not okay with him?" she asked.  
  
He stared at her blankly. "But you like the Tok'ra."  
  
"You don't," she said simply. "If you've changed so much that you accept a Tok'ra inside you, then I don't know if you're still the same person, Sir."  
  
"But I haven't changed," he disagreed, "I just realized that they aren't all that bad."  
  
A slight smile touched her lips, but it was bitter and sorrowful. "No. You have changed. You told me you'd never, ever willingly become a Tok'ra. You did something you swore you wouldn't do because I asked you to, and now it's changed you."  
  
"Carter, what do you have against the Tok'ra?" he asked waspishly.  
  
"Nothing," she shrugged.  
  
"Then what is the problem?" he demanded. She stared at him blankly. He ran a hand through his hair, frustrated beyond measure. She wasn't making any sense, but then, there wasn't anything really new about that. "Carter, what's happened? Normally I'm the one criticizing the Tok'ra and you're the one defending them. You're one of the only people one base who _likes _the Tok'ra."  
  
"Not anymore, obviously," she replied tersely.  
  
"What is the problem?"  
  
"It isn't a problem," she said stubbornly.  
  
"Then what is it?"  
  
"I just don't understand."  
  
"Understand what?"  
  
"Why you are _choosing_ to stay a Tok'ra. Why you haven't demanded Kanan leave you yet. Why you're accepting him and carrying on as though everything is okay."  
  
"Everything is okay, Carter."  
  
She was quiet for a second. "Is it?" she asked softly.  
  
He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Carter... when Kanan... when I first woke up... God, you know how it feels to have a Tok'ra-"  
  
"Not the way you do, apparently," she interrupted.  
  
"Carter!"  
  
"I'm sorry," she muttered, but the flash in her eyes betrayed the words, and the tone of her voice was anything but sorry.  
  
"Talk to him, Carter, get to know him-"  
  
"You like him," she said softly.  
  
He stared at her. Yeah, the snake wasn't too bad.  
  
_I'm not a snake, Jack_.  
  
"What's so wrong with that?"  
  
She sighed, and bit her lip, closing her eyes.  
  
_Let me try.  
_  
Tired of trying to reason with an unreasonable woman, Jack willingly let Kanan try.  
  
"Major Carter," the Tok'ra started. Jack watched, fascinated, as Carter's eyes widened and she stepped backwards from him, almost repulsed by the sound of his now distorted voice. Kanan wasn't perturbed though, and he kept going steadily. "I am Kanan, Major Carter."  
  
"I know." Her voice was brittle, tight.  
  
"And I can understand why you're finding it hard to accept me," Kanan continued. Carter snorted loudly. "But what neither Jack nor I understand is why you're reacting like this towards us, yet you are willing to accept your father and Selmac, and have shown you are able to exist with other Tok'ra."  
  
She had a reason, Jack could read it in her eyes, but he couldn't see what the reason was.  
  
_She's jealous_, Kanan announced, sounding pleased with himself.  
  
_Jealous?  
  
Of me._  
  
_Why on earth would she be jealous of you_? Jack thought, surprised.  
  
_Because I already know you better than she does. I will become closer to you than she ever will be. She can see that your relationship with her will change; that she will not ever be the most important person in your life._  
  
_That's ridiculous_, Jack snorted mentally, almost shaking his head.  
  
It's not, Jack. She's right.  
  
"I can leave him," Kanan spoke again, and Jack was morbidly curious about the sudden turn of events. She was jealous, of a snake? Carter wasn't really the jealous type though, was she? And she knew that she was one of the most important people to him on this planet.. along with Teal'c, in a completely different way of course.  
  
"Would you?" she challenged.  
  
"I'll leave him right now, if I have to," Kanan said loudly.  
  
For a second, Jack felt an irrational sense of panic over ride him. Leave him? Kanan would leave him? Now?  
  
"You would?" Carter asked, and he was horrified to hear her sound almost interested in the idea.  
  
"If Jack wants me to go, I'll go."  
  
He watched Carter through his eyes, even though Kanan was in control. She was studying him carefully, her intelligent blue eyes regarding him clearly. "Does he want you to go?"  
  
No. He didn't even have to think about it.  
  
"If he has to choose between you and me, Major Carter, he'll choose you."  
  
He was about to protest that statement loudly, mentally gathering his anger and irritation at being forced into the back corner while Carter and Kanan discussed a decision that affected him just as much - if not more - than it affected them, when he realized something. Kanan was right. As much as he had come to like the Tok'ra - an idea that still pricked him with a slight measure of guilt and self disgust - Jack knew what Kanan was saying was true. Theirs hadn't been an entirely mutual commitment; it had been a blending of convenience. You save my life, I save yours. End of bargain. Somewhere along the line, Jack had realized that some Tok'ra weren't so bad at all. In fact, some Tok'ra were pretty darn good. They removed aches and pains and bad knees and made you feel like you were twenty again.  
  
But it was the dependence that scared him.  
  
_You will come to depend on me_, Kanan whispered softly. _You won't be able to live without me there.  
_  
And it was true. Already, the first seeds of fear and panic at the thought of being along again were growing in his mind, and he tried to hold onto Kanan with his mind.  
  
_But you'll have her, Jack, you'll have Sam._  
  
She was making him choose, he thought dully. She was making him choose between herself and Kanan. Why couldn't she accept them both?  
  
_Ask her._  
  
"Carter?" he whispered, blinking in confusion. Her eyebrows rose at the sudden change of control over his body, and he saw a slight touch of relief brush across her eyes.  
  
"Sir?"  
  
"Why can't you accept us both?"  
  
The question confused her, and she saw her brow pull together in concentration, the way she did when she was absorbed with her work. He loved her focus. "If... If Jolinar was still here, Sir, and you didn't have Kanan, what would you do?"  
  
He hated how she answered questions with a question. "I don't know."  
  
"You're lying."  
  
_You're lying._  
  
"What would I do?" he asked her pointedly.  
  
"You'd leave," she whispered. "It's not fair to expect you to care about Jolinar. Besides, if Jolinar was in my mind, you wouldn't be the first one I'd talk to."  
  
She was right, he realized, and so was Kanan. He'd still care about her, but he was unable to care for the Tok'ra inside her the same way he cared about her. He cared about Carter, not a snake.  
  
"I love you," she whispered softly, her eyes big as she gazed at him. "Not Kanan, you."  
  
He stared at her silently. They weren't ready for those sorts of confessions, he thought blindly, stepping backwards. Too soon, too much had changed in too short a space of time. He needed to adjust to this new world first, before she threw more changes at him. "I'm sorry, Carter," he whispered, closing his eyes. When he opened them she'd turned away from him, and he knew she was crying because her head was hanging low and her shoulders shook slightly. He reached out, letting his fingers rest on the cool skin of her shoulders. It was satin smooth beneath his digits, and he brushed his fingers down the tops of her arms, marveling at the softness that could contain so much strength.  
  
"I... I'm sorry too," she whispered.  
  
"I won't let Kanan die," he said firmly.  
  
"And I won't ask you to let him sacrifice himself," she agreed gently.  
  
"Couldn't we even try?" He was horribly aware and ashamed of the way he almost whined as he asked the question, but desperation over shadowed dignity.  
  
Her eyes were red and glistening as she turned back to him, brushing his hands off her shoulders. "No. I can't... I can't watch you become someone else."  
  
He frowned. "I'm still me, Carter."  
  
"But you're also Kanan. I know how it was with Jolinar, Sir. I picked up little bits of her, sometimes I think like her. I evaluate situations from her point of view before mine, sometimes. You're becoming more like Kanan and less like Jack O'Neill. Just like my Dad is more Tok'ra than human."  
  
He froze, staring at her numbly. "That's not true," he whispered.  
  
She laughed bitterly. "For crying out loud, Colonel, you're standing here talking to me honestly for a change. Doesn't that tell you all that you need to know?"  
  
Yes, he realized dully, it did. But what scared him was the fact that he didn't _mind_ sharing with Kanan. He didn't mind his identity subtly being change and merged with someone else's.  
  
And maybe that was a sign of just how deep he was already caught in this trap.

o0o  
  
Jack stared blankly at the wall, his mind empty and full at once. He could feel Kanan's restlessness, but he ignored the Tok'ra. He wanted to be by himself for a while; he didn't feel like company.  
  
_Sorry, I can't go anywhere_, Kanan murmured, a touch of amusement present.  
  
Jack scowled in annoyance, attempting to ignore the Tok'ra by turning his gaze back to the paper work on the desk in front of him. Mission reports. How on earth did Hammond put up with reading so many reports every day? Jack had thought he'd had it bad simply trying to write the damn things after each mission, but to read reports of teams going through the gate on a daily basis while he was stuck here, pushing paper on a large mahogany desk was wrong.  
  
He itched to be out there, to feel the cold smoothness of his weapon in his hand, his body poised in readiness for action.  
  
_This isn't working_, Kanan announced loudly, shattering Jack's thoughts and dragging him back to reality.  
  
_Kanan, would you just shut up_? he sighed, squeezing his eyes shut and trying again to focus on the report.  
  
_You can't ignore me, Jack. I'm right here.  
_  
_I'm not trying to ignore you, I am ignoring you_, Jack returned spitefully.  
  
_You're not doing a very good job_, Kanan returned evenly.  
  
_Well if you stopped talking to me, it would be a lot easier.  
_  
_You're talking to me.  
  
You're worse than my conscience_, Jack complained, shifting on his chair.  
  
Kanan remained silent, and despite the Tok'ra's effort to give him space, Jack felt his anger growing. It was unreasonable, unneeded and irrational, but it was there.  
  
_You're not happy.  
  
No, I'm not. And neither are you._  
  
Jack waited for Kanan to respond, waited for him to disagree or agree, to solve the problem they had found themselves in.  
  
_I want to go home, Jack_, Kanan said softly. _I want to go where the others are. I want to speak to people who understand what we are.  
  
What we are_, Jack echoed softly.  
  
_We're outcasts here, Jack. The only people who talk to us are Teal'c and Jonas, everyone else treats us like an outcast.  
  
Carter doesn't_, he defended loyally.  
  
_She doesn't treat you like an outcast, but you know how she feels about me_, Kanan said softly.  
  
"So what do you suggest we do?" Jack asked out loud, his voice bouncing around the empty room.  
  
_Take a break. Go visit the Tok'ra for a while. We've been here for a month now; we could use a small vacation._  
  
Jack sighed; he didn't want to spend his vacation on a sandy planet playing second fiddle to a snake who controlled his body and was friends with all the other Tok'ra. Among the humans, Kanan was an outcast and among the Tok'ra, Jack was the one left out.  
  
_Two days_, Kanan suggested pleadingly._ I just... I need to tell them about Shallan_.  
  
_And what if they find her, Kanan? What if they save her?  
_  
Kanan didn't answer, and Jack sighed heavily into his hands.  
  
Words from long ago floated across his memory... 'the Tok'ra love as one'  
  
Not in this case. Kanan loved Shallan; Jack didn't. And while he felt Kanan's love for the woman, it wasn't his. His was for someone else, someone who Kanan was curious about and cared about because of his feelings, but her reaction to Kanan stopped any possibility of the Tok'ra ever caring more about her.  
  
Carter was right; it wouldn't work between the three of them.  
  
_Okay_, Jack agreed softly, rising to his feet. _I'll go talk to Hammond_.

o0o  
  
The minute they stepped through the Stargate into the searing heat of the desert planet the Tok'ra were currently living on, Jack stepped back and let Kanan take over. This was his turf; his people; his world. With Jack's opinions and mannerisms, his strength of belief challenging the Tok'ra ideals, he stuck out like a sore thumb, and paid the price of being regarded suspiciously by the other Tok'ra.  
  
_It is, I think, the Goa'uld's biggest mistake_, Kanan commented as they trudged across the hot sand, the heavy boots they were sinking into the loose grains.  
  
_What is_? Jack questioned absently, looking through Kanan's control of his eyes and watching the lines of sand dunes in the distance.  
  
_Disregarding the human - especially the Tau'ri - strength of character and complexity.  
  
And you don't_? Jack asked pointedly.  
  
_It is also a flaw of the Tok'ra, yes. You are complex and remarkable creatures, Jack.  
  
We're not creatures, we're humans.  
  
If the Goa'uld let their hosts speak and think, they would be almost impossible to defeat. As it is, their arrogance and denial of the wealth of knowledge humans possess... it is something the Tok'ra have come to value._  
  
_So what, you use our brains as well as our bodies_? Jack demanded sourly, almost pulling his muscles into a scowl.  
  
_No. We have a genetic memory, Jack, and that memory influences the way we see and do things. We've done things the same way for thousands of years. To have someone fresh with an unblemished view of a situation, it leads to solutions previously unheard of. Especially with you, Jack. You are a very remarkable human._  
  
Jack snorted mentally, and Kanan remained silent as they continued their trek towards the Tok'ra base.  
  
_So I have a question..._ Jack began.  
  
_Yes?  
  
How **do** the Tok'ra know where to stand for the ring transporters?_  
  
Kanan's laughter rang loudly across the sandy planet, and Jack felt his mood lighten slightly; he even started to enjoy the hot sun shining down onto his head. It wasn't often they saw the sun anymore, hidden away in his little office in the bowels of Cheyenne, they'd become pale and white, their skin winter pale and soft.  
  
_This is home_, Kanan said softly, reverence in his voice.  
  
Jack stared around at the dun hills, the barren land sloping and rising gently as far as he could see, unblemished by any other color. No, this wasn't home.  
  
_Come, Jack. They're waiting for us._

_o0o_  
  
This was, Jack decided as Kanan lifted the bowl to his lips and swallowed a small amount of the soup contained it, possibly one of the strangest experiences he'd ever had. Sitting in a roomful of people - or Tok'ra - he'd never met but knew almost intimately anyway was definitely unusual. Some Kanan were close to, and Jack automatically decided he preferred their company as well.  
  
Carter was right; Kanan's personality was seeping into his own. He supposed it'd be hard to keep separate anyway, considering how close their brains were proportioned to one another and how much time they spent in each others company.  
  
_It is easier when you are accepted_, Kanan said gently.  
  
Accepted, yes. As Kanan's host, the others did accept him. As Jack O'Neill, they scorned his narrow mindedness and refusal to accept certain facts. His stubbornness irked them, and his determination in his beliefs so different to their own were a source of constant amusement. Didn't he know that they were right and he was a mere human, a host?  
  
_They do not consider you merely a host, Jack.  
  
I consider myself merely a host._  
  
The thought slipped out before he could stop it, and he felt Kanan recoil in pain.  
  
_I'm sorry_, he apologized uneasily, but it was the truth. He may still be alive, yes, but it wasn't his life anymore. It was theirs. Someone else had equal say in what he did and what he didn't do, and Jack wasn't comfortable with that. He'd lost his team, his friendships, many of his rights he'd taken for granted. He'd lost Carter. But mostly, he'd lost himself.  
  
_Come_, Kanan ordered, the distance in his voice causing Jack's guilt to increase ten fold. _Let's go talk to Selmac.  
_  
The Tok'ra in question was in the council rooms with Garshaw, but when Kanan cleared his throat Selmac turned to them, Jacob Carter's eyebrows raised in question, a gesture Jack was very familiar with on Carter's face. "May we speak with you, Selmac?" Kanan requested, his control on Jack's vocal chords grating the words. He knew Carter hated the sound of Kanan talking through his voice. Now she understood how he'd felt when Jolinar had spoken to him. He shuddered involuntarily, guiltily grateful for Kanan's control of his body so that nothing of his thoughts were betrayed.  
  
"Yes," Selmac nodded. He turned to Garshaw. "If you'll excuse me."  
  
Garshaw nodded, and Jack saw the concern in her gaze as it flicked over him and Kanan before she swept out of the room, the absence of her presence leaving the room feeling almost empty.  
  
"What's up, Jack?" It was Jacob that spoke, and Kanan released control to Jack.  
  
"I'm not sure. Kanan wanted to talk to Selmac," Jack hedged, jamming his fists into his pockets.  
  
Jacob raised his eyebrows again, shrugging. "Okay."  
  
"O'Neill is having trouble, Jacob," Kanan interrupted. "I am not sure if this blending will work."  
  
The words were hollow inside Jack, but the relief of having them out in the open over ride the tides of guilt they brought with them.  
  
"I didn't think it would." Jacob was still in control, and a slight smile touched his lips. "Jack's not... I didn't think he'd take to it."  
  
"It is not a matter of Jack not 'taking to it'," Kanan said simply, "the timing is what is not satisfactory."  
  
Jack knew Jacob was curious now, and he sighed internally. _Why couldn't you just have left it with me not being Tok'ra material?  
  
Because that's not the truth, Jack.  
  
Since when are the Tok'ra so big on the truth?  
  
I have never lied to you, Jack, you know that_. Jack remained silent, and Kanan's voice was irritated when he spoke again. _Not all humans are truthful either, Jack. You're doing a very good job of lying to yourself, me and the people you care about.  
_  
The words stung.  
  
"What do you suggest, Kanan?" Jacob asked at length.  
  
"I have an idea, Jacob, but I do not know whether it will be accepted by Council, or whether it will even work."  
  
Jack felt his eyes widen. Oh, he wasn't serious, was he?  
  
But he was; Kanan had never been more serious.  
  
"Jacob, you are going to love this," Jack muttered, slipping back again as Kanan took a deep breath and started explaining. Damn he hoped this plan worked. The more he thought about it, the more he wanted it to work.


	3. Beyond the Abyss 3

**PART THREE**  
  
"He's what?" She stared at Hammond blankly, unable to comprehend what he was telling her.  
  
"They've gone on a mission, apparently. Kanan held information that was vital to the success of this mission, and-"  
  
"And he just went, like that, without even bothering to tell us?" she snapped, stalking across her lab, her hands clenched into fists as she fought to control her anger.  
  
"They are on leave, Major," Hammond's voice was almost gentle.  
  
"And my Dad went with him?" she questioned bitterly, already knowing the answer.  
  
"Yes," Hammond said needlessly.  
  
She sighed, meeting Hammond's gaze proudly, refusing to let the hurt at their actions show. "When are they due back?"  
  
"I don't know," Hammond admitted uneasily, and she gazed him warily. He was hiding something form her.  
  
"What else is there, Sir?" she questioned politely.  
  
He shifted his weight, letting one hand rest on the metal of her bench top. "The mission wasn't exactly authorized by the Tok'ra High Council."  
  
Sam raised her eyebrows. "So the two of them just ran off together?"  
  
He chuckled slightly at her words. "I wouldn't put it like that."  
  
She shrugged; how it sounded wasn't really an issue. It was the fact that both of them simply up and left without even bothering to let her know. It hurt, she realized dully, it hurt that neither of them thought she'd care if they just left with no idea on when they'd get back. But it hurt more because it made that abyss between them and her seem so much wider, so much harder to bridge.  
  
They were Tok'ra, and she was not. And despite her general acceptance of the Tok'ra, and empathy with them, she could never be a Tok'ra. Not after Jolinar.  
  
"Will you let me know when they arrive?" she asked softly.  
  
He nodded his head and she smiled her thanks.  
  
They were Tok'ra and she was not. What the Tok'ra did was no concern of hers. She would not waste anymore time, waiting for the impossible to happen. He was a Tok'ra now, and she had lost him despite trying to save him.  
  
o0o  
  
She had tried to sleep. Lying on the small cot in the dark, her mind had wrested images from her past and burnt them into the inky blackness of the ceiling.  
  
O'Neill, telling her he liked woman. Her Dad, crying when he walked through the front door. O'Neill's back when he'd returned, his eyes glowing as she met Kanan for the first time. She shivered as she saw the white ice walls of the cave in Antarctica, a bitter smile touching her lips as she remembered her Dad's anger when he found her smoking behind the bike shed with Andy Michaels.  
  
In the end, staying awake had proved easier than lying in the dark and facing the memories from her past, so she'd gone back to her lab, dutifully avoiding anywhere that Janet might be wandering, just in case she caught Sam up and about. For someone who was always so insistent that Sam needed sleep, Janet seemed to sleep very little herself, Sam mused as she let herself into her lab. The room was dark, and she didn't bother turning on the lights, instead seating herself at her bench and watching the way the small lights from her machinery cast a colorful glow around the room. The gentle hum of technology comforted her; it was something she understood, and that logic made sense to her.  
  
Nothing else made sense to her anymore.  
  
She sighed and rested her head in her hands. When had it all started to change? She'd been so happy at the SGC. The guilty pleasure flirting with O'Neill had been fun and slightly dangerous. The warm comfort of Daniel's friendship had held her tightly to reality, and Teal'c's solid presence had been her safety; she was never scared to fly when they were around.  
  
Then Daniel had left.  
  
And then she'd almost lost O'Neill. Almost lost the man that meant more than life itself to her. But she wasn't allowed to think those things; it was wrong.  
  
When Daniel had left, he'd changed. Tried to hide his grief by turning it into anger. He'd scared her; the darkness which he'd shrouded himself in had seemed almost impenetrable, and she was scared that things were damaged forever. But things had been different before Daniel left, she realized with a frown. The tension had subtly changed; instead of flirting with the hope of a future promise, it had become darker between them. More serious. Intense. The flirting had almost died, the rare moments they did communicate without arguing or the shadow of the tension between them were scarce and far between.  
  
Daniel had changed too; he'd grown bitter and cynical, too accustomed to the ways of violence and anger the Goa'uld carried everywhere.  
  
Maybe it was time to get out, time to leave this place. It had become far darker than she'd ever imagined; Stargate command was supposed to be a place of discovery and adventure, not the darkened snake pit it was becoming.  
  
Her phone rang, and she jumped, reaching for it blindly in the dark.  
  
"Carter."  
  
"They're back, Major," Hammond's voice informed her. "We just received word from the Tok'ra, they're back. You gate through in five minutes."  
  
"Yes Sir."  
  
o0o  
  
The time difference between the planet was disconcerting; like jetlag without the long hours flying. It was just after midday on the planet the Tok'ra were on, the hot sun heating the air around them so that she was sweating before they'd even reached the rings. She ignored the uncomfortable stickiness, her leg muscles straining as she forced her way through the loose sand.  
  
Behind her, Jonas was struggling to keep up and Teal'c brought up the rear, composed and competent as ever.  
  
He was here. He was back.  
  
There weren't many Tok'ra around when they reached the cool tunnels; the base oddly empty and quiet. They'd lost many of their people over the last year, she thought sadly; they were down to their last.  
  
"Sam!" her dad's voice floated down the crystal passage, and she turned to see him jogging towards her. He looked tired; several scratches stained his face and his left arm was in a sling. But he was alive.  
  
"Dad," she smiled tightly, and accepted his hug. He was warm and he smelt of grass, soap and the henna of his clothing. "How are you?" she asked.  
  
"I'm fine," he smiled down at her. "So's Jack."  
  
"What the hell were you thinking?" she exploded, and he stepped back in surprise.  
  
"Sam?"  
  
"You could have gotten yourself killed!"  
  
He stared down at her after looking around the corridor quickly. "It's not me you were worried about," he said smoothly. "Besides, Jack is more than capable of taking care of himself."  
  
She glared at him darkly, but his words scared her.  
  
_It's not me you were worried about._  
  
"I _was_ worried about you," she said softly.  
  
He smiled gently. "Come on, he's this way."  
  
He was lying across several blankets and pallets, curled around a small woman with dark hair. She pulled back, her mouth opening slightly.  
  
"It's okay, Sam," her dad whispered, grabbing hold of her hand and anchoring her in the room. "It's not what it looks like."  
  
"It doesn't matter what it looks like," she returned blandly, but she couldn't pull her eyes away from his body wrapped around the woman. Her head was tucked under his chin, her small fists curled tightly in the black material of his T Shirt. They looked so peaceful. "Who is she?" she asked softly.  
  
"Her name is Shallan."  
  
That wasn't what she meant, but Sam didn't press the matter. It was obvious by the way they were curled up together. She wondered when he'd met her, and how long it had taken.  
  
"Is he coming back?"  
  
"You'll have to talk to Jack," her dad brushed the question off. "They'll be out for a while. Let's go have a drink and catch up."  
  
She nodded, stealing one last glance at them before she followed her dad out of the room.  
  
"Why did you do it?" she asked, swallowing the last mouthful of flavored water before she replaced the cup on the table between them.  
  
Jacob sighed, draining his cup as well before letting his eyes meet her again. "They weren't happy, Sam."  
  
She sighed and watched her fingers tracing the edge of the cup, circling over the smooth stone. "He wasn't happy on Earth either."  
  
"Kanan wasn't or Jack wasn't?" he asked her softly.  
  
She stared resolutely at her drink.  
  
"Sam?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"They're hoping this will solve the problem," Jacob admitted at last, and she raised her eyes to meet his.  
  
"How?" she asked.  
  
"He wants to tell you himself," Jacob shook his head. "So I'm not telling."  
  
She stood up slowly, and then looked at her dad. "Dad?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Are you happy?"  
  
He raised his eyebrows curiously, studying her before carefully asking, "why?"  
  
"He... he wasn't happy being blended. He accepted it, but he changed too much to be happy with it," she said softly. "I thought he was happy, you know? He seemed to be doing okay, wasn't angry at me for asking him to do it-"  
  
"Is that what you're worried about?" he cut in.  
  
"What?"  
  
"That I'm angry at you for asking me to do this?"  
  
She licked her lips. "Are you?"  
  
He smiled. "No, Sam. I'm happy with Selmac. I'm also happy with the Tok'ra."  
  
"So you don't regret it?"  
  
He shook his head. "No. Not at all. The only thing I will regret is out- living you in the end, because I know you're like Jack. You'll never be happy with a Tok'ra."  
  
The smile touched her lips briefly. "I think, that if I hadn't had my experience with Jolinar, I might have been," she confessed.  
  
"Might have beens and what is are two different things, Sam."  
  
"I know."  
  
He studied her intently. "Just don't let everything in your life become a might have been, okay?" Her mouth was dry as she gazed at him. "You have to be happy too, sweetheart."  
  
Her eyes blurred with tears and she nodded. He hugged her close, and she curled up against him, burning her head beneath his chin and letting him comfort her. He was Tok'ra, but he was still her dad.  
  
o0o  
  
She was sitting outside on a sand dune, when Jonas' voice sprang to life on her 2-way. "He's awake, Sam."  
  
"How is he?" she asked.  
  
"Good." Jonas sounded happy, she thought. She sighed softly.  
  
"I'll be down soon, Jonas."  
  
There was a pause. "See you soon, Sam."  
  
Sam pulled her knees up under her chin, watching as the sun flared, dipping closer and closer to the horizon. It turned the sand to fire, a hot red light that warmed her despite the cooling in the air. Already, above the last defiant ribbons of light turning the clouds pink the sky was blue velvet, black ink and crystal stars. The sun disappeared and the planet was plunged into darkness, the light from the twin satellites casting an ethereal glow over the sand and freezing them into sheets of silver ice.  
  
She sighed, staring ahead at the landscape.  
  
"You okay?"  
  
His voice was soft behind her, and she scrambled forwards onto her feet, training her gun on him before she realized who it was. "I'm fine," she said, not lowering her weapon.  
  
In the silver light she saw an eyebrow arch. "Carter, you're pointing a gun at me."  
  
"I..." she lowered the dark mass in her hands, staring at him. "You startled me."  
  
He grinned, his teeth seeming to dance in the darkness as they gleamed. "Remind me not to do that again. Next time you might shoot."  
  
"How are you?" she asked him, breaking the awkward silence that was settling over them like a mold of glass.  
  
"I'm fine," he nodded. "So's Kanan."  
  
Her heart clenched. "And Shallan?"  
  
"She's good," he said mildly, shifting his weight from foot to foot. She stared at him for a few seconds, frowning. And then she realized.  
  
"Where is Kanan?" she asked softly.  
  
"He's with Shallan." He looked up at her hesitantly. "It wasn't working, Carter."  
  
"I'm sorry," she said softly.  
  
He shrugged. "It was... different. But I'm kinda happy to have my head back to myself."  
  
She smiled. "I'm kinda happy to have you back too," she whispered softly.  
  
And then she was in his arms, his fingers digging into her back as he pulled her against him. She breathed him in like perfume, the skin on his jaw scraping against her cheek as she buried her face against his neck, her arms wrapping around him like a vice.  
  
"It's okay," he whispered as she clung to him, smoothing her hair with his large hands, holding her close. "It's okay, Carter."  
  
She sighed and pulled back, but his hands held onto her shoulders as he gazed down at her, unwilling to let her go. "It's good to have you back, Sir."  
  
"Carter..." he hesitated, and she watched him warily. "Did you mean what you said?"  
  
Her mouth went dry, and she swallowed roughly, finding it hard to meet his eyes. But Sam Carter wasn't a coward, and she stilled the nerves in her body that screamed for her to run. "Yes," she whispered, "I did mean it."  
  
He looked almost shy; she half expected him to cross his arms behind his back and sweep his foot in half circles on the ground. "You know the same goes for me, right?"  
  
She smiled gently at him, watching the moons highlight his silver hair. "I know," she agreed simply.  
  
He linked his fingers with hers, and together they walked back to the transport rings.  
  
She stared in dismay at her car, disgust etched clearly onto her features.  
  
"Carter," his voice sounded far too smug for his own good, she thought darkly to herself, "you're not having, _car_ trouble, are you?"  
  
She turned to face him defiantly, raising her eyebrows as she regarded him. "And if I was?"  
  
"I'd advise you to buy a new car," he smirked, "one with a decent amount of leg room."  
  
She shook her head in resignation, slapping her hand against the cold metal of her disappointing car. "Looks like she's going back to the garage," she sighed. "Again."  
  
"Why don't you fix her?" he asked.  
  
"Time, Sir," she pointed out dryly.  
  
He shrugged. "Need a ride home?"  
  
"If you're offering."  
  
"I'm parked that way."  
  
She followed him silently. He wasn't that much taller than her, but his strides were that much longer. She had to really move to keep up with him. Then again, it had always been that way. He was her leader, and she followed obediently.  
  
The silence between them was almost easy as they drove, and she relaxed back into the seat of his truck.  
  
"Sir?" she ventured, casting a sideways glance across at him in the dark of the cabin.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"That night, when you came to see me..." She stopped and bit down her lip. "I'm sorry for the way I acted, Sir. It was very... wrong of me."  
  
He continued to look ahead, and she watched the expressionless features focus on the road. "I shouldn't have pushed you," he said eventually.  
  
She shook her head. "No. What I did was unforgivable. I treated you like... like someone I couldn't trust."  
  
"No, you didn't trust Kanan. I've never doubted your trust in me, Carter." She watched him, surprised, as he glanced over at her. "Don't look at me like that, Carter. You've always trusted me, and I've always trusted you."  
  
He was right, she thought absently. "I shouldn't have made you choose," she whispered. He didn't answer, and she felt the silence between them thicken. She shifted uncomfortably on the seat. "Did... did you like him?" she questioned curiously.  
  
"Sometimes," O'Neill admitted guardedly.  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"He was still a Tok'ra, Carter."  
  
"But you didn't want him to leave," she pointed out.  
  
"I don't know what I wanted," he admitted. "I didn't know what I wanted myself, and then I had all Kanan's emotions to deal with, as well as his previous hosts... and I don't generally deal with my own emotions very well."  
  
She chuckled hesitantly, grateful for his attempt to lighten the situation. But she didn't want to joke now; she had to clear this up. "If it came down to it, would you have chosen?"  
  
He shifted uneasily on his seat, glancing at her sharply. "Why are you pressing this, Carter?"  
  
"I... I just don't understand why you chose him over me," she whispered.  
  
He sighed loudly in the car. "I didn't choose him, Carter. I chose you."  
  
She waited for him to continue.  
  
"He saved my life, Carter. He was in my head for almost two months. That's a long time, you know," he said wearily. "On one hand, I became used to him. He was always there; he was funny sometimes. He reminded me of Daniel, he was always arguing with me."  
  
She smiled slightly.  
  
"But he was a Tok'ra, and he knew how I felt about the Tok'ra. He wasn't any different to them. Do you know, Carter, that they think we are genetically, emotionally and mentally less complex than them, and therefore less advanced, simply because we aren't born with the same genetic memories that they are?"  
  
It felt strange to hear something with so many terms coming out of his mouth, but she didn't interrupt.  
  
"He said the Goa'uld's biggest flaw was their inability to accept and acknowledge that we are complex 'creatures'. What he doesn't realize, Carter, is that the Tok'ra also think so, even if it is to a lesser degree. They think that we 'improve' when they blend with us, as if we are incomplete and not as good if we aren't blended."  
  
"I'm still sorry," she said softly.  
  
He shrugged. "It's done, Carter. He's with Shallan now; they love each other. They'll be happy."  
  
"And you?" The words were out before she could stop them, but once she uttered them she realized she wanted to know the answer.  
  
"I think I'll get there eventually."  
  
She smiled to herself, watching the lights stream past the window.  
  
They'd both get there, eventually, and that was enough for now.  
  
As she tightened the straps of her Kevlar vest and clipped the P-90 into place on her waist, Sam Carter slid a glance from under her lashes at her fellow team mates. Jonas, Teal'c and O'Neill were standing in a semi-circle at the gate ramp, deeply engaged in a discussion about the latest episode of the Simpsons. She let her eyes linger on O'Neill, watching the way he moved his hand and his face, the expressions flitting across his features with a lightening fast intensity. As she watched, his face broke into a grin and he chuckled, shaking his head at something Teal'c had said before looking up and catching sight of her.  
  
He smiled at her, and Sam smiled in return, unable to stop the grin from spreading across her lips. He was back. Things were still a long way from being better, but change wasn't all bad. They'd lost Daniel, but they'd gained Jonas. They'd lost their easy friendship with one another, but they'd gained something else. Something deeper. Something she hoped would grow until one day they could act on it.  
  
She watched him now, as he turned back to Teal'c while the Jaffa spoke, a small smile still touching his lips. He missed Kanan, she knew that, though he'd never admit it. And she knew that there was still a long way to go before she could forgive herself for asking him to go through with the blending, and before he could entire reconcile her making him choose between herself and Kanan, but things looked to be going okay.  
  
Sam rolled her eyes in resignation as she heard the familiar tones of one of his 'witty' comments, and stepped across the room to join them.  
  
"Carter!" O'Neill exclaimed, grinning at her broadly. "I was just trying to explain to Jonas why Krusty-"  
  
"You'd have to explain it to me too, Sir," she interrupted dryly.  
  
He shook his head in mock pity. "I don't understand how you could not like the Simpsons," he told her, his voice pained.  
  
She shared a look with Jonas who shared her disdain for the yellow cartoon characters, while Teal'c raised an accusing eyebrow. Somewhere along the line of his earth education he had developed a very strange sense of humor, and Sam was almost 100% sure that it was all O'Neill's fault.  
  
In front of them the wormhole locked into place, and for a second she looked at it, watching the way the event horizon shimmered and swirled, remembering her first amazement at the sight. It wasn't any less awe- inspiring now than it had been then; she had just stopped seeing the magic in what they were doing.  
  
"Let's move out, campers!" O'Neill ordered loudly, turning back to salute Hammond who was watching as always.  
  
She walked up the ramp with him by her side, Jonas and Teal'c following behind. And this, she thought, is how it's supposed to be.  
  
FINI 


End file.
